| No,
they aren’t mine. I wish they were, but they aren’t. The boys belong to
their creators, and recognizable figures from The Divine Comedy
are typically considered to be in the public domain. I make no money off
any of them; I just take them out, put them in pretty dresses, and make
them fight each other. No harm, no foul. Feed the writer. Review. |
Spiked
Comedy: The Capering Damned |
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Canto
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[Spike and Xander astray by night in a dark forest. Morning and the sunlit hill. Three beasts that impede their ascent. The encounter with Doyle, who offers his guidance and an alternative path through two of the three realms the voyagers must visit.] "Where the fuck am I?" Spike whispered. He looked around desperately, hoping for any sort of familiar marker, something to tell him where he was. It was not to be, however; all around him stood a thick, shadowed forest. Trees twisted and bent in a cruel parody of the foully disfigured state of his own mind, with its shattered reality and fractured soul. Everywhere he turned, black evil laughed at him, mocking his plight. He tried to walk the path he'd found himself on, but all too soon he was lost; the path was overrun by brambles. Instead, he plowed down a hill, hoping to find a respite from the clinging, scraping thorns. At the bottom of the hill, Spike saw a figure, standing at the very edge of a cliff. As he drew closer, the vampire realized that it was Xander. The very first rays of dawn's light cloaked the boy's shoulders in vibrant color, spilling over to illuminate the forest that cowered just behind him. Spike paused, feeling simultaneously relieved and frightened. An irrational sense of reassurance swept through him; he was not alone in this wild, strange place. However, the sun was rising quickly--and over one of his most vicious detractors at that. Would Xander welcome him or grab up one of the many fallen branches that lay like mines upon the ground? Before Spike could decide whether to approach the young man or run in fear, Xander turned around. "Spike?" He said incredulously. "You're here too?" "I'd say so," Spike whispered. "Er... where is here, anyway?" Xander inquired suspiciously. "What did you do, Spike? Kidnap me? Drag me off to some weird place to... well, you can't hurt me, so what? Bore me to death?" Spike shook his head. "I'm as lost as you are, Xander." The vampire then noticed that for the first time in weeks, his mind was blessedly silent. No voices clamored in his brain, demanding attention. He took the unanticipated opportunity to look around a bit more. They were caught up in a violent wilderness, covered in vicious hazards. Xander, though, was standing on a sort of path, one that led up a nearby hill. "Why don't we try this path? Maybe we can figure out where the hell we are." Much to Spike's surprise, Xander nodded and started walking. They walked in tense, hostile silence, Xander leading and Spike keeping watch with golden eyes, until finally Xander called a halt to their procession. The boy rested briefly on a fallen tree while Spike scanned the area ahead of them. "We should start up the hill," Spike suggested as Xander rose to continue. "Think we'll find a way out of this mess?" Xander asked shortly. "And you're *sure* you didn't do anything?" Spike didn't answer, mostly because he was staring, transfixed at the rising sun. It had taken much longer than he'd expected for the glowing orb to rise up into the sky. He'd been planning to either duck into the thick forest to hide or simply let the first rays that hit him end his soul-having misery. The latter urge was victorious; he was trapped in some strange, hostile place with an equally hostile companion. However, the light did not hurt him; instead merely warming his skin as it struck. "So this place doesn't roast vamps at sunup," Xander commented. "Let's get going." Spike nodded and once again fell into place behind Xander, who pushed on up the hill. They hadn't gotten far when Spike sensed movement. "Holy..." Xander murmured, stopping dead. A huge, spotted leopard bounded towards them, as though warning them away. It kept watch in front of them, but made no real effort to attack. Xander backed down the hill, letting Spike take the lead as they skirted the animal. "I really don't like this, Spike," Xander muttered as they moved away from the leopard. Spike started back up the hill as soon as they were away from the animal that had so scared Xander. They had made just a bit of progress when in front of them came a growling, snarling and ravenous lion. Xander squealed and leapt straight up in the air, landing in Spike's arms as the vampire beat a hasty retreat. He carried Xander along the hillside, until they were well away from the beast. As soon as they were, Xander pushed away from Spike and dusted himself off, red-faced with humiliation. "'S ok, Xander," Spike assured the boy. "*I* won't tell a soul that you screamed like a girl and jumped into my arms." "Fuck you," Xander growled, charging up the hill. After about three steps, he came face-to=face with a scrawny, vile-looking wolf. "Spi-ike?" Spike ran ahead of Xander, throwing himself at the wolf. He should've been able to defeat it, but the she-wolf was just too strong. It bit and clawed, rending the vampire's flesh. Finally, Spike joined Xander down the hill to where the boy had retreated, wiping spittle and gore off his battered body. "That worked so well," Xander commented dryly. "I guess it's more 'not up the hill' traveling for us, huh?" Spike nodded and continued walking, using the tattered remnants of his shirt to finish cleaning up. "That's it, I'm stopping," Xander declared. "I'm tired, and you smell like dog slobber, and we're not getting anywhere." "Alright," Spike agreed, slumping down. They hadn't rested even five minutes when a shimmering figure appeared in front of them. "Er, Spike? You know him?" Xander asked the staring vampire. "Or is he from around here? As in, might be able to get us home?" "We don't even know what it is," Spike hissed. "It could be a ghost, a human, a demon--anything." "I used to be both human and demon, but I'm just a ghost now," The figure said, voice pleasantly accented. "I lived in Los Angeles, even worked with your Sire. I was his seer, you know? I got the visions, he played the hero. So... why aren't you two heading on up the hill and getting your sorry arses out of here?" "You're Doyle, aren't you?" Spike murmured, recalling some of Drusilla's rantings. She'd said more than once that Daddy had acquired, and then lost, a spiny Irish seer. "Please, Doyle, can you get us the fuck out of here? We can't get past the damned wolf--or the leopard or the lion. They nearly made Xander piss himself." The vampire ignored Xander's indignant huff. Doyle thought for a moment. "I guess you're going to have to take the long way around; nobody can get past the wolf. She's this symbol of...av-- av--, greed. Eventually this guy's going to come down here and kill her off. That'll fix everything, but I'm not seeing it happening any time soon, so I'm thinking that for now, you'd better follow me. I can get you through this plane, and the next. Of course, you're gonna have to see a bunch of nasty, evil stuff. Torture, suffering, the whole nine yards. Then I'll hand you off to this girl I know who can take you through the Summerlands. They won't let me in there right now." Xander and Spike shared a glance. The blonde was pretty well set on following Doyle--the souled version of his Sire had trusted the mick, and hadn't been let down. That was enough for Spike, given the circumstances. He really didn't want to find out how long it took a she-wolf to gnaw the head off a vampire. Xander nodded, obviously seeing the prudence in taking help when it was offered. "Lead on," Xander said to Doyle. "I mean, if you can get us out of here, I'll put up with a bit of bloody nastiness. And hey, Willow's always said neato things about the Summerlands!" Doyle nodded briefly and led the way, Spike and Xander falling into step behind him. |
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